So as I've previously posted, I was travelling on the train, but as I was seeing the world around me, I learned a lot about myself. I was travelling alone, and like the state of my travels, so was my emotions. I felt alone, so alone that I scared myself. In amongst a place with people everywhere, I sat alone. The passengers would leave, the new passengers arrive, and yet no one sat next to me...it kind of reflected how I feel everyday. It's not healthy and I know that, but yet it's as if it's become a way of life for me...and I feel that there's no escaping it.
It took me up until recently to realize that I've been missing something in my life, something that gave me a rush that is undescribable. And as I was sitting, peering out the window, I briefly felt a similar rush. I saw carts go by on a train only a few feet away from my wondow, and the speed that they were passing at, the changing colours and patterns...I felt like I was travelling faster than I could ever imagine. Then I thought of other ways to get that same rush: sky diving, bungee jumping, speed car racing, etc...and these are all things I would love to do, but they are so far from me. Although I wish I could feel that same rush again, I also wish I could feel myself again. The only thing is, is that there is no way of going back...I believe it's hard to go back to life before such feelings...it's like a drug that you can't live without.
Perhaps I am like the addicts on the side of the road.
Perhaps I am scared from the rest of the world, unable to feel free to face it
Perhaps I feel stuck, stuck in these emotions, and stuck in a life I don't believe I belong in anymore
and Perhaps all I need is to find a way to embrace that rush again, only hopefully in a more subtle and realistic way
For now, only time can tell
I know what you mean. I sometimes feel that way on the bus. I'll be sitting there, still, and there is the hustle and bustle of people and life around me, but it doesn't seem to touch me. I am removed from it. I write during that time, or I'll call someone, but usually I just sit and think while I have the chance to rest my body. Maybe you do need a rush, something small that is outside of your usual comfort zone. You could do something new for a day, like go tour an art gallery (my fave!), or go to the aquarium? Although you may feel alone during those times, remember that you are not alone. I know that I am far away but I am still here for you.
ReplyDeletethank you so much love, I know you are there...it's just those physical moments of being alone that scare me the most.
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