Psychology

Soon after classes ended and exams were done, I had to hit the books again on a topic that to me is very interesting-psychology. I sit here almost everyday in the library, opening a book, and learning. Fact of the matter is, is that instead of learning about how psychology works from a text, I've been learning about my own. This blog has been an outlet for me. I am a person who hides feelings. I am always too scared to share them. And although this outlet may seem like a big step for someone who is emotionally insecure, there is still so much hidden behind these words. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell everyone close to me how I feel, but recently, one is enough. The truth behind my reasons of emotional secrecy, is I know that once they are out, I cause pain to others, and this therefore forms regret.

I believe I have a good intuition, and I fight it all the time. I listen when it tells me to keep my mouth shut, and it is probably the one thing I am best at. I am naturally a down-to-earth person, but for the past year I feel I have hid behind a smile, and a warming face. I fight my feelings everyday. My psychology, in my mind, is different from many others, as I have said before. I am almost always wrong, and yet somehow find a right in what I think, but no one understands it. Perhaps one day this will lead me to great success. I could be one to speak for many who feel the same way. But for now I am tortured by myself.

I have said that I see myself as someone who doesn't have challenges in their life, and that everyone around me sees hardship, but not myself. I think that I have found my challenge-myself. I have no one else to blame for things in my life other than myself. I am always someone who plays it safe, and many see that as a wise way to go. But for me, I find it the stupidest way to live. How can you live if you don't take risks? People close to me say that they have regrets from things they have done in the past, but I have regrets from things that I never did, and to me this is the worst kind.

I feel like my life has only been tormented because of what I have done to it. I speak of all these emotions I carry, and the ways I feel them and express them, but really, I have taken the wrong path. I feel as if I have brought my world down. I tried to gain friends again, and feel like I have only caused them pain. I had been too scared to share how I felt, and therefore had lost what I loved most. I find myself fighting with family everyday, and I feel as if my days away were happier for them. People say that I am a good person to be around, that my smile could light up a room. But what if that smile had grown to be fake, and caused everything to crumble down? I didn’t take risks cause I was scared to scar a reputation, or lose everything I had worked for all my life-to be the best that I could be. But I find myself causing my own tragedy, and pain to those who matter the most to me.

I wish that I could have made the mistakes others have made, and had had different experiences due to courage and lack of fear. I may appear to be strong in many ways, but my emotions take the best of me. It's a constant struggle with myself, and my mind is my worst enemy. I cannot face life, because I know that for me, nothing happens the way I want it to. I know that this happens for everyone, but it seems that the things I want most in life are impossible for me. I feel as if I was so close to having everything I ever could have wanted, and I made it slip away.

Psychologists use studies and research, and can classify different individuals by the different aspects of their life and their mind. But I wonder what they would say to me? Am I just wasting my time trying to figure things out on my own? Or should I keep reading from a text and find who I am within it? I believe that I am an individual that cannot me classified by normal means; I feel different from everyone else. I don't believe that going to a professional or a text will help me find out who I am…but I'm sick of waiting. I wish I could be brave enough to take off with no money, no certainty for what can happen, and escape to a far away place to discover and to call my own again. I have done that, found happiness there, left it behind, and now find it a hard place to love anymore…it is a place of regret.

I wish to love home again. I wish to love the places that hold my friends and family wherever they may be. But as long as I am here, in my frame if mind, every place is misery. I am not happen when certain people are not here, and I know that now. I know I must move on, but it is the hardest thing to do. I know that time can heal, but I don't want to waste my life waiting for that to happen. I want to live now, embrace the moments, lose my fake smile, and find my happy place again.

I do not wish to read a text.

I do not wish to share my feelings from word of mouth.

This blog, and my writing, is all I know best.

And this is all that my mind wishes to share now.